Rebuilding

Outside looks oh so inviting as I sit here pulling my hair out attempting to write yet another paper. I’ve looked at my blog posts and how they lack in complete detail as to how I'm changing and what God has been doing in my life. I guess I’ve just been lazy. And by that I mean I have been really lazy. Now that I'm procrastinating with my paper, I might as well write a good blog post. I’ve been looking back over this year thinking how this all came about. I cant imagine where I would be without this year at Kaleo, and I don’t really want to. God has been doing some amazing work in my life. I’ve been surrounded with some of the most amazing people ive ever met. These future leaders that I get live with are incredible.

I started out this year with a horrible attitude and over these months, God has torn down my defensive walls and begun to rebuild my heart. At times I have tried to build them back up but my defences are not strong enough to do so. I'm slowly accepting the fact that I am loved and though I'm still learning, I'm trying to love myself too. It’s a constant battle for me to surrender my tears and accept that it’s okay to be vulnerable in front of others. "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10 this is something I need to constantly remember. I'm stoked to see how God will rebuild and shape my heart.

This year truly is a year of Grace. It's very difficult for me to fathom and I know that ill never fully understand it I just need to learn to accept it.

On Sunday I think it was, my mission team went to Uclulet (i dont think thats spelt right) it was a great bonding experience for all of us and we defiantly got closer. The ocean is just amazing. plain and simple.

I'm pretty worried about next year. I have been praying for God to direct me where I need to go for the summer and the whole year. I've thought of traveling or going to do Snowboard Ministry in Fernie, but whenever I feel I'm called somewhere, a few days later I doubt that. I'm just really praying for clarity on where God really wants me. But as of right now, I'm clueless. Hopefully reading break will open doors up for me.

Im also scared because I don't know if the roots of my faith have grown in deep enough. actually know they aren't. I don't want to get even close to my old ways. Im scared of no support, no follow up, Everyone just going back to their own lives and forgetting. I dont want to forget what happened here. (I hate spilling my feelings out cuz i feel like im so needy.) I don't have any Christian community at home. I still want to grow spiritually and need to remember that we are all growing constantly in our faith. I haven't ever had a group of friends this close and I feel like im going to lose that and be left with old memories and photographs. I will just have to trust in God.

I am so thankful that this is not the end yet, and we still have a few months left together. I pray that by the end, I am ready to journey back into the world.

Jojo